When I turn 40 ...

Like most people, I subscribed to the idea that turning 40 years old is a milestone, which should be celebrated with a bang. But I also believed that a 40th birthday should only be greeted in a grand way if there is something else to celebrate other than the fact of reaching the age of 40.

Years ago, I had this picture of me at 40 years old with a successful career, maybe as a highly-paid executive of some big company, a husband, 2 or 3 children and a nice big house in a gated community (or a "village" as we call it in the Philippines). Sounded pretty simple and achievable when one is thinking of these things at 8 or even 18 years old.

I turned 40 last year, and to me, there was no reason to celebrate. Of the 4 things I thought, or rather, wanted at age 40, I only have 1-1/2: a husband and a half-successful career. So why celebrate? I know that to some people I may sound ungrateful, given that I also have been blessed with other things, like excellent health (as of now), good education, a faithful husband who loves me (though as I will dish out later, I also think he can be a curse more than a blessing), fairly good and "youthful" looks for a 40-year old, memorable experiences of living and travelling outside my country, and a fairly comfortable life which some may even envy. But when one scores 1.5 out of 4 or 37.5%, is that really a cause for celebration? By most standards, that is a flunking grade! And I'm not even measuring myself against other people but by my own goals.

Nobody knew how unhappy, frustrated and disappointed I was when I turned 40 except Mr. O, and he only found out later on when we were having an argument on why I didn't want to celebrate our wedding anniversary (more on that at another time). I must say I'm pretty good at hiding my true feelings and thoughts but I do ask myself sometimes why I do so. Anyway, to ease the pain of turning 40, I decided to mark my birthday in another country. To me, travelling is like my escape mechanism, a way of forgetting my crappy real life. Besides, it sounded more exotic and romantic to mark one's birthday in a foreign land with the significant other, though it ended up costing me probably more than what I would have spent had I thrown a big shebang with a "mobile disco" or a band playing 80s music (like most 40th birthday to-do's of my generation). But I digress. Running away because of a 40th birthday sounds pathetic, doesn't it?

Sadly, when I turned 40, I was more consumed by regret over decisions I've made or did not make, questions of "what-if's" and grief over my unaccomplished and wasted life (by my own standards). Still, that tiny optimist in me keeps saying "you're just a late bloomer." I hope so ... I hope I'm not just rationalizing or building a defense mechanism. I'd hate to crash and burn when I have to accept my reality.

Birth of this blog

Why did I start this blog?

I've been thinking of doing one for months now, initially to air out my opinions on the political and socio-economic goings-on in my country, the Philippines (for those who don't know where my country is, it is at the eastern edge of Asia, right on the Pacific Ocean, or if looking at a map, it is the first significantly-sized collection of islands to the left of the US, at the opposite side of the Pacific Ocean from California). Lately, or more like since I turned 40 last year, I had all these other thoughts about my personal life which are all jumbled in my head. So I thought that blogging might be a good exercise for me to vent, with the tiny hope that others will have some words of wisdom to share. After all, as the title of this blog says, I may be unhapppy but I'm still an optimist, so I'm still hoping that with a little push, I'll get out of the rut I'm in now. Or it is highly possible that I'm in a rut 'cause I'm experiencing my own midlife crisis.